I am ashamed to say that i ever loved you.
No matter what you did to me, i was always glad i knew you.
The hour has come for me to honestly say my life was better without you.
I wish i had never met you.
People who care about each other, no matter how long or.horrible or broken the road, do not do what you just did to me.
I cant even begin to explain this.
It has nothing to do with the person. It has nothing to do with thr situation. It has to do with ME.
The last time i miscarried, it took me two years to get over.
Now my ex sends me pictures of his newborn baby a month after i lost my child.
Thats straight salt in anyone’s wounds. That hurts. But its worse when the first baby i lost was yours. And you knew how.bad that fucked me up.
I was doing better. This time, i could somewhat handle seeing other pictures of peoples ultrasounds. It hurt. It hurt in a place i cant even begin to.describe. its a primal spot. You know better, you realize its not a good time. But it fucking kills you all the same; my soul has been forever changed. Its not one baby, its two now. Two children i could have held, loved, kissed. Fuck, my first would be about three or four now. It doesnt matter the father, those were MY DAMN CHILDREN. THOSE WERE MY BABIES THAT I CANT HOLD.
DOES ANYONE REALIZE HOW FUCKING TRAUMATIZING THAT IS?!
I feel like i cant even bring one to.life. i feel like a failure as a woman. My babies, that i held inside me, and i let them down.
This is one of my lowest low’s. I know its irrational, but all i have wanted is a baby. For the last five years. I want to hold, kiss and nurse my child. I want to carry them, hold them, cuddle and kiss them. For fucks sake, why cant i have it?!
I feel insane right now.
Thank god for my man. But unfortunately he will never fully understand.
I want my baby. I want to hear you cry, i want you to wake me in the night and snuggle up to me.
I don’t want to wake up to nightmares and my own tears anymore, with just a vague memory of your face to haunt me.
Why is it that everyone i run into now adays has one or two kids?
I cant even carry one to second term. Hell, I cant even carry my babies halfway through my FIRST term!
I feel like such a failure as a woman…
I miss you so much tonight. I would have been around 8 weeks, would have seen you and hear your heart beat.
I still think about you, every day. It takes up the majority of my thoughts. I wanted a boy, but i always see you as a girl.
I imagine laying in bed with you, listening to you laugh and smile in the morning. What would it have been like to cradle you against me in the dead of night when you cried for me. How your daddy would look at you when he held you, or him falling asleep somewhere with you in his arms….
It just hurts now. I didnt think i could be more bitter towards others pregnancies. Ha. Its worse than before. I try to be happy for others, but i just feel jealous and angry.
I just wish i had had a chance with you. Yes, this was probably the best. But i wish i had a bit more time.
I will always love you, my child. You are the only being that knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. Give your sibling a big hug from me. I love both of you more than you can even fathom. One day i will see you both again. I will hold you both in my arms, and sing you to sleep, and kiss your beautiful faces. Mommy loves you.
Today has been hard. Today i would have gotten to see you for the first time. I would have gotten at least that. I didnt know it meant that much to me, but i guess it does. I feel like i got cheated. I never even had a chance. I wish i had just one glimpse of you. Just one picture of you. But i didnt even get that chance.